MDMA Assisted Therapy

So I did it. I had what’s called a “Journey” leveraging MDMA. We worked up to it via several hour-long talk therapy sessions. Settling in on what my focus would be. Essentially, it was “surrender”, and all of the other things that go along with it. Trust, Letting Go, Not controlling, Being in the moment, etc. Honestly, I think I had surrendered in the days leading up to my Journey. I was nervous about it and then just kind of came to terms with it. Whatever happens, happens. There was a peace and serenity with that lead up. I felt great, slept perfectly.

At the beginning of my Journey, I sat down on the bed, took the medicine, and just snuggled in. It was quite apparent when it hit me. I did used to take it recreationally in my youth at raves and whatnot. This feeling was very different from that. Set and Setting makes or breaks the experience and I was definitely in the right place, both physically as well as my frame of mind. I felt like I needed robes and there should have been some sort of high priestess. Maybe there was, my guide was amazing. She helped poke some areas that needed some deeper exploration. Or just asked light questions to draw more attention to it. I was there for a purpose and it was to let the medicine do the work within me. Look within vs of having those amazing conversations and lotion rubbing sessions. There was some really great music that went along with it. Transcendental, otherworldly. I just laid there and let it wash over me.

A lot of stuff came up. Nothing surprising. I worked through some past childhood trauma and made peace with it. I think I had already started that peace process. Not passing blame. Understanding and accepting it. One thing that did come up that was not really unexpected, but wasn’t really a focus, was self-love. I think it’s easy to slip into being hard on yourself for either not performing as highly as you think you should, or being stagnant in one area of your life, or not doing XYZ for yourself or family that you feel that you should be doing. There’s always room for improvement, right. But the important thing to consistently tell yourself is that YOU LOVE YOU (or I LOVE ME). Seems silly, but losing sight of that anchor has some long term effects. Another thing that came up was that everything is going to be OK. With anxiety it’s HARD to really feel that and I know it logically, but feeling it inside was hard. The medicine helped me to see beyond that barrier into the void enough to realize that the void isn’t really a void. It’s another place with it’s own beauty. It’s just unfamiliar. And to acknowledge the possibility that the unfamiliar could be better.

The aftermath, now a week after my Journey is that in some ways I’m the same as when I went into it. But there are other moments and days where I do feel like more of my true self sits closer to the surface. Content in the moment. Content in my place. Content in my heart and mind. Not afraid to confront the uncomfortable. I did have 2 post journey hour long talk sessions to help process what came up. Some things that used to bug me a lot now only bug me a little. Like a gust of wind with no gale behind it. An alarm with no emergency. There’s probably a fair amount more that I could write on the topic, but it gets pretty personal and I’m not yet 100% comfortable with sharing all of the nitty-gritty details with everyone on the internet.

TLDR: It was good, would recommend, but check with your doctor first (side note, I did run it by my doctor, there were no red flags going into it). Make sure to do it in a guided way with pre and post sessions to help warm up to and process the experience. I was debating on whether or not I should publish this post due to the stigma wrapped up in MDMA. The more I thought about it and read about it, the more I realized that there is a fair amount of documented evidence on the help that Psychedelics provide to those that are struggling. Maybe it’s not a cure all and there are risks, but I think in some cases the benefits well outweigh the risks. The benefits definitely outweighed the risks for me. There was a really cool article in NYT that discussed Psychedelic therapy in Mexico and noted that there are a lot of Retired as well as Active duty Navy Seals that are using it to cope with PTSD and the effects that warfare has had on their brains physiologically. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/12/16/us/psycjedelic-ibogaine-veteran-brain-injury-ptsd.html

Stigma

I recall the passing of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. Two men that from the outside perspective had it all. The boxes were checked. Creative expression. Loving friends and family. A fair amount of money. Yet something plagued them more deeply. Depression. Mental Health Issues. I read somewhere that we as a society tend to glamorize or accept substance abuse issues, yet turn our back on and stigmatize mental health issues. These are two sides of the same coin. In some cases, it’s like the chicken vs the egg. Which came first, the mental health issues or the drug addiction, it’s not so clear some times? In others, it’s a direct connection Childhood Trauma —> Mental Health Issues —> Addiction to cope.

It’s hard to know what’s going to come up, what’s going to have an effect on us and when. I pretty much dismissed all past childhood and young adult trauma for decades. Not that I didn’t know it was there, or that it was obscured from me, but I didn’t acknowledge the weight of it that I carried and still carry. Until it hit me like a ton of bricks. Even though I wish I had more of a support group. I am SO VERY thankful for who I do have to support me through this.

I was thinking the other night that going through depression / anxiety is unseen and really hard for folks to relate to. Even though I have never experienced a dibilitating physical injury (thank god!), I could almost equate it to a spinal injury where one needs to learn to walk again. Each day is a battle, each day is hard, each day is work just to try to get to some sort of baseline. Some days are great wins and those are truly a blessing. Some days are losses. No progress or even going in reverse. What’s helped me is that I just really force myself to appreciate every moment of the good days, and on the bad days, remember that there will be good days again. It’s OK to feel down and important to acknowledge it, but the work comes in forcing myself to focus and think on the good even when I’m in the bad.

I think that we as a society are starting to break through the stigma of mental health issues, but it’s still there and there’s a lot of work to do. Most men that I’ve talked to mid-40s are going through some form of depression / mid-life crisis. It’s extremely common and I think it’s important to talk about it. Stay strong!

Lost it again today

I’m finding that my anxiety is part of depression in men. So is anger, but I’m not feeling angry, maybe just at myself. My anxiety will latch on to something. Something close, deep and personal. It will keep me spinning all night, invade my dreams, confuse my heart. Feeling like I’m caught in a storm, just trying to survive, tossed around by the waves, just trying to make my way back to the safety of the boat that seems to be drifting further and further away. Not wanting to drown, I keep fighting against the waves, fighting to keep my head above water. Fighting to protect myself futilely against the maelstrom that grows and grows.

“What stands in the way becomes the way.” - Marcus Aurelius. The maelstrom is the way. To surrender to it. To have faith through it. To believe that it is the path and by traveling it there will be a glimpse of what lies on the other side.

It is like a bitter fight with myself to finally surrender. To accept the uncertainty of life. It’s so hard to let go. So hard to surrender. Like a part of myself is needing to protect me from that uncertainty and it won’t just fucking let go. It does inevitably happen though, and the anxiety fades into a deep sadness where I cry. Like a hard cry with guttural noises and snot and everything. Of course, I relegate myself to the car to fully let go here. As watching a grown man completely lose his shit is probably an unnerving sight in our society. And once that keg of tears is tapped, I’m letting loose. Today I actually planned this, it didn’t catch me by surprise. Over these last few months, I’ve realized that I need to force myself to cry and allow myself to just sit in it. I don’t need to stop it. I don’t need to control it. I can surrender to it. I’ve realized that it is healing to cry. I never really thought that and acknowledged it. Crying was always something that I wanted to try to end. But afterward I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! Like normal even. Even keeled. Anchor / Rock territory.

I was looking into crying and healing and I found a really cool article from Harvard Health on the topic. You all may find it interesting. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020

Kids are growing too fast

I recall when I first had kids that I’d be looking forward to when they were off on their own and I had more time to myself. Not that I didn’t or don’t love my kids. I love them to death and have thoroughly enjoyed every moment and wholeheartedly look forward to a lifetime with them. We recently moved into a new house. When cleaning up the old one, I was in their bedroom (3 kids in a room), ripped out the carpet and prepped the room for painting. All of the little scribbles, cave pictures of barely identifiable animals, writings of names with backward letters, hearts and stars, smiley faces. The little hole with a pencil eraser shoved in it. The awards from years of activities hanging from a nail. Echoes of growth, of love, of discovery, of chaos, of stability, of mess, of purpose, of meaning, of home. The smell of fresh paint. My 90’s rock playlist playing. Rolling out the paint in large swaths. Cat’s in the Cradle cover by Ugly Kid Joe comes on. I’m crying like a little boy. That little boy I once was, in his own room, with his own cave drawings on the wall, his own mess, his own feelings. Music blaring, paint flowing, tears falling, voice howling. Just lost it. All my squandered tears come flooding out like a monsoon in a hot summer heat. I know that it’s not the case, but the symbolism was essentially me painting over my kids childhood. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s OK TO FEEL THE FEELINGS. I’m not alone. You are not alone. This is normal. And we’re going to be OK.

As they are getting older and more independent and I’m having more time to myself I started to realize that they are closer to being off on their own than when we started and that thought is fairly scary to me. I’ve been like 110% in family and kid mode for 16 years. The thoughts of “What’s Next”, “Who Am I”, “What am I going to do with my life / time”, “what does my relationship with my wife looks like without kids?” It is really overwhelming. Really lonely. To the point where I was spinning and feeling like it’s all getting away from me. Like a shock to my system, I just started to crumple.

I searched high and low for help and advise. While there were a few little nuggets of wisdom here and there, the vast majority was unhelpful and triggering. I don’t have all of the answers, but I’m feeling like I’m seeing a bit more clearly through the fog. I realized that while kids moving out at some point is on the horizon, my family is here and I continue to enjoy every minute of it, just like I’ve appreciated every moment up to now. I’m going to spend time with them doing fun things (like I always have). I’m being present and dating my wife, my best friend. I’m getting in touch with healthy hobbies I used to involve myself with. I’m getting over my fear of getting out of my comfort zone. I’m getting more involved with my kids activities. I’m connecting with friends and family. I started going to church again, a church I grew up with. I honestly don’t know how I became so complacent with the day to day. But I’m glad that I’m pushing myself through this. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.

Diet

Mostly, I’ve been eating well. I just try to keep it healthy. My wife tends to make a lot of our dinners and she is such a great cook of wonderfully tasty and healthy foods that I think it has had a great positive impact on my overall physical health. Outside of that, I try to consume a lot of fiber. All sorts of fiber. Veggies for sure, but also when I’m looking at picking up packaged foods (Pasta, cereal, other stuff) I just try to pick the thing that has low sugar and high fiber. About a year ago, my doctor did a blood panel and noticed that my A1c was on the high side and labeled me “pre diabetic”. (Side Note: I heard a joke about a similar situation where the patient told the doctor, “You’re pre diabetic too” and the doctor said “no I’m not” and the patent asked, “well do you have diabetes?”, and the doctor said “no, I don’t”. The patient reaffirmed “So you’re PRE diabetic then.”) Anyway. I started researching because I tend to get a bit obsessive about things, insulin, insulin resistance, glucose, fructose, fats, etc. I learned that fiber REALLY helps your body process glucose, fructose, and other sugars. So that was pretty much the only change I made to my diet overall. More fiber, less sugar.

When I say less sugar, I don’t mean NO sugar. I just want the sugar in stuff that I know should have sugar in it. Ice Cream, Mochas, Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Fruit Loops etc. Not in my Bread, Pasta Sauce, Soup, etc. It just takes looking at the ingredients to identify what groceries have sugar in them. There is SO MUCH in just random things that you wouldn’t think to have sugar in it. I also will take days where I have no sugar at all.

Since I had this recent bout of anxiety / depression / midlife crisis / whatever I went to the Doctor recently to just check my levels to see if anything was out of whack. I’m 10 pounds lighter than I was and all of my levels were so very perfect, including my A1c being in the middle of the normal range, I was shocked. I guess I will just keep on doing what I’m doing. (I know it’s not just diet, see my exercise post). Good luck out there!

Social Media

So I’ve been going through some mental anguish lately. I may share the details of what’s going on down the road. Anywho, as we do nowadays, I was looking around on the internet for help. Sometimes finding things helpful, but mostly not. Then I return to some social apps like Facebook and Reddit. Well social media and their algorithm got my number. Serving me up ads targeting people that are going through what I’m going through. With extremely triggering content. It affected me so much, I couldn’t believe it. It was truly shocking and I realized right away what was happening. I had read stories about this happening to other people. Especially when the social media companies went in front of congress. There were some promises made about trying to do better. Last night, it was clear that those promises hadn’t been kept.

I think somewhere along the road, the good-natured intentions of this technology went right out the window. I felt that there was a sense of evil in this algorithmic manipulation of content. I, or random user that fit my profile, was specifically targeted with extremely triggering content that related to the deeply personal and troubling issue I’m going through. It’s all around selling programs, products, classes, etc. So the language is designed to be triggering, so that as many affected men as possible will pay for whatever course, product, etc is being sold under the guise of solving their problems. Preying on the reader’s deepest fears to make a buck. The algorithm then looks for patterns about what men are googling in hopes they can find some answer, some salvation, some light at the end of the tunnel, then surfaces ads / content in a completely separate application. It’s like when we’re having a conversation with a friend about shoes, then we see facebook ads for shoes. Like is my phone eavesdropping? I’m sure we’ve all had that thought.

The truth is that people’s journey through the interwebs is tracked. Websites searched have tracking pixels which, facebook then uses to surface ads based on our browsing history. To ameliorate this, adjust facebook privacy settings to make ads generic, not based on your browsing history. Routinely delete cooking and clear browsing cache. Use a Private or Incognito window and a search tool like Duck Duck Go.

The algorithm could be altruistic. Could be used to better society. But there’s no money in that with ad spend. What’s the ROI, right? Content people aren’t freaking out spending whatever is needed for that next class that would resolve their issues. I’d like to imagine a world where a “happybook” type platform could exist. A place where people could go and search for help, and what they need to soothe their angst starts popping up in their feed. Digital Valium. Digital Zen. Digital Peace.

I ended up curating reddit heavily, and then deleting facebook from my phone entirely. I just think it’s better for me.

Exercise

I had mentioned previously that Physically, I’ve never felt better. Well, I have low back pain, which was the impetus for my new regime, but other than that, I’m in great shape. I used to go for walks and do a lot of brute force chores at home which kept me somewhat in shape, but it wasn’t regular and it wasn’t really the type of exercise that I needed. It started back in 2021 when I “threw” my back out. In actuality, I extruded a vertebral disc in my lumbar spine. 15mm herniation. I saw lots of doctors, tried some spinal injections with no success and then again, like mental heal support online, I found the sciatica subreddit and there was a post, with yet another great book, called “The Back Mechanic by Stuart McGill”. I started out with the exercises in that book. What they call “The Big Three” relatively spine-safe exercises. Some gentle supported crunches, side planks, and bird-dog.

I would do those every day or at least 5 times a week. I would also go for frequent walks. Nothing too long. Just breaking up the sitting. Within 6 months, the herniation was 0. Undetectable. I know that’s not everyone’s experience and I am lucky. It was a wake up call that I need to take care of my body. It’s got to get me through several more decades. I then went to go see a local Pilates instructor for a private lesson. Mostly wanting to build onto what I had learned from Mr. McGill. She gave me a few more exercises that I’ve been incorporating.

My Core Routine:

• 3 sets of 10 bird-dogs holding each pose for 10 seconds.

• 10 side planks (each side) on my elbow holding a 10lb weight with the opposite hand. I went from 2 sets of 6 to 1 set of 10. Just one set to failure. I’ll build up.

• 4 sets of 10-12 outer leg lifts on my side (each side) (so it hits the outside of the leg). Pushing down through my heel like I’m trying to slide a quarter up a wall with my heel.

• 2 sets of 20 inner leg lifts on my side (each side) (so it hits the inside of the leg). Just trying to keep it up, up, higher, and higher

• 2 sets of 20 clamshells (each side)

• 3 sets of 10 bridges - pulling my heels towards my butt to engage the hammies

• 3 sets of 10 supported micro crunches. I put my hands beneath my low back to provide stabilizing support and hold each for 10 seconds with one leg bent. Then repeat with the other leg bent.

• ~60 or so pushups (3 sets of 20). I use cheepo hand grips as my wrists hurt without them.

• 3 sets of 10 tricep lifts (each side) with 15 lbs. I’m on all fours, and then use one arm to lift, then alternate.

• 3 sets of 10 bicep curls (each side) with 15lbs.

• 2 sets of flys, 15 lbs each side, lying on my back.

I’m pretty shaky after all that and impressed with my muscle tone. This is what i’ve built up to over the years. It took my a long while of other core straightening to be able to incorporate pushups. I noticed that it would hurt my low back.

I’ve also taken up Mountain Biking. I used to ride BMX as a kid. Going off crazy jumps and doing tricks. I’m not doing all of that with MTB at my age now, but it does make me feel like a kid again. Where I might be the speed racer with some of my friends and family, I’m definitely a small fish in a big pond with the local MTB scene. It’s great exercise and it’s great at keeping me focused on the next jump/rock/root/squirrel right in front of me. I did cheat a little and get an Ebike. Mostly because, I’ve noticed on steep climbs that my knee hurts. Even in the lowest gear. So I just need a little help to get up those but mostly keep it off.

Crying

This site is called CRYING with Charlie after all, right? I’ve been having off and on anxiety over the years. Anxiety manifesting as physical pain, mental anguish. Like a yo-yo. having a fair amount of anxiety lately I wouldn’t expect that it could turn to crying. A few weeks ago, out of (seemingly) nowhere, I just started balling. Like a little kid. For like hours I was caught up in this crying fit and I couldn’t piece together why. I cried more that morning than I had in the last 20 years. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. A cloudburst of emotion flooded my landscape.

Turns out, after working through some therapy and reading a wonderful book entitled, “I don’t want to talk about it - Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression”, I realized that there was some deep-seated, historical stuff that was rising to the surface. Stuff that I’m not going to get into detail about here, but childhood trauma. Some probably REALLY common things and some not so common things. I just suppressed it. I acknowledged it to myself, but I never allowed myself to FEEL how it affected me. At the time, it just felt like normal life. This is how people live, this is what people do, this is normal. Only now, looking back, I see that there were issues that now, I need to process. I don’t yet know what that looks like, but I know that I need help and so I’m seeking it. I’m reaching out to professionals and my friends and family for support.

Somewhat related. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for some weird lump thing on my leg that seems to have completely faded (probably just an injury that swelled weird). After the exam he asked me how I was doing, feeling overall. I told him that physically, I’ve never felt stronger and healthier in my life, but mentally, I feel like I’m going through some shit. Tougher than ever. I told him that I was speaking with a therapist and he squeezed my shoulder and said that he was really glad to hear that. Just some random doctor, and a blink of a moment with sensitivity and support. But it means so much.

I’m just Ken

Not knowing where to begin, I’ll begin here. “I’m just Ken”. I’m #Kenough. I’m enough. I’m Charlie… And this is entirely cathartic.

I feel like I need to be perfect at everything. Being the best that I can be. Father, Husband, Friend, Professional. And I feel like I’m not enough. It’s a feeling that’s inside me. On the surface, I know that I check all of the boxes, but if that’s the case, why don’t I FEEL it more deeply within? Why do I want to be more, or be more in each of those really important pillars? How do I allow myself to feel that I’m enough? I certainly hear it from others that are very close to me and whom I love and respect, but why don’t I FEEL it? And why do I need that external validation anyway? I’ve met several salty characters over the years that clearly don’t give a care as to what others think, don’t need any validation, and walk their own path with zero vulnerability. Or maybe that’s how they seem on the surface. I don’t know. We’re all just bears in a forest, right? Who’s going to let down their guard first to show that vulnerable little boy inside? Not I! Right?

“Vulnerability is weakness.” That’s mostly what I think. I mean, sure, people tell me that no, vulnerability is human. So maybe I think that it’s OK to be vulnerable. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel needy. It’s OK to not want to be alone. It’s OK to seek reassurance... (etc ad nauseum, lol). Or is it? I’m conflicted. When I think of each of those important pillars. Being a Father, being a Husband, being a Friend, being a Professional, it seems to me that each of those require a strong, confident MAN in control at the helm. Steering the ship of their destiny through the stormy seas of life’s catastrophe (ala Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn a book that’s helped me immensely). Two internal forces, the Sun and the Moon are vying for dominance. The emotional, vulnerable little boy needing vs. the strong, confident bear ready for battle.

Which one will win out today? Who knows and hopefully the contest doesn’t yo-yo me too much. :-)