Crying
This site is called CRYING with Charlie after all, right? I’ve been having off and on anxiety over the years. Anxiety manifesting as physical pain, mental anguish. Like a yo-yo. having a fair amount of anxiety lately I wouldn’t expect that it could turn to crying. A few weeks ago, out of (seemingly) nowhere, I just started balling. Like a little kid. For like hours I was caught up in this crying fit and I couldn’t piece together why. I cried more that morning than I had in the last 20 years. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. A cloudburst of emotion flooded my landscape.
Turns out, after working through some therapy and reading a wonderful book entitled, “I don’t want to talk about it - Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression”, I realized that there was some deep-seated, historical stuff that was rising to the surface. Stuff that I’m not going to get into detail about here, but childhood trauma. Some probably REALLY common things and some not so common things. I just suppressed it. I acknowledged it to myself, but I never allowed myself to FEEL how it affected me. At the time, it just felt like normal life. This is how people live, this is what people do, this is normal. Only now, looking back, I see that there were issues that now, I need to process. I don’t yet know what that looks like, but I know that I need help and so I’m seeking it. I’m reaching out to professionals and my friends and family for support.
Somewhat related. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for some weird lump thing on my leg that seems to have completely faded (probably just an injury that swelled weird). After the exam he asked me how I was doing, feeling overall. I told him that physically, I’ve never felt stronger and healthier in my life, but mentally, I feel like I’m going through some shit. Tougher than ever. I told him that I was speaking with a therapist and he squeezed my shoulder and said that he was really glad to hear that. Just some random doctor, and a blink of a moment with sensitivity and support. But it means so much.
