Kids are growing too fast
I recall when I first had kids that I’d be looking forward to when they were off on their own and I had more time to myself. Not that I didn’t or don’t love my kids. I love them to death and have thoroughly enjoyed every moment and wholeheartedly look forward to a lifetime with them. We recently moved into a new house. When cleaning up the old one, I was in their bedroom (3 kids in a room), ripped out the carpet and prepped the room for painting. All of the little scribbles, cave pictures of barely identifiable animals, writings of names with backward letters, hearts and stars, smiley faces. The little hole with a pencil eraser shoved in it. The awards from years of activities hanging from a nail. Echoes of growth, of love, of discovery, of chaos, of stability, of mess, of purpose, of meaning, of home. The smell of fresh paint. My 90’s rock playlist playing. Rolling out the paint in large swaths. Cat’s in the Cradle cover by Ugly Kid Joe comes on. I’m crying like a little boy. That little boy I once was, in his own room, with his own cave drawings on the wall, his own mess, his own feelings. Music blaring, paint flowing, tears falling, voice howling. Just lost it. All my squandered tears come flooding out like a monsoon in a hot summer heat. I know that it’s not the case, but the symbolism was essentially me painting over my kids childhood. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s OK TO FEEL THE FEELINGS. I’m not alone. You are not alone. This is normal. And we’re going to be OK.
As they are getting older and more independent and I’m having more time to myself I started to realize that they are closer to being off on their own than when we started and that thought is fairly scary to me. I’ve been like 110% in family and kid mode for 16 years. The thoughts of “What’s Next”, “Who Am I”, “What am I going to do with my life / time”, “what does my relationship with my wife looks like without kids?” It is really overwhelming. Really lonely. To the point where I was spinning and feeling like it’s all getting away from me. Like a shock to my system, I just started to crumple.
I searched high and low for help and advise. While there were a few little nuggets of wisdom here and there, the vast majority was unhelpful and triggering. I don’t have all of the answers, but I’m feeling like I’m seeing a bit more clearly through the fog. I realized that while kids moving out at some point is on the horizon, my family is here and I continue to enjoy every minute of it, just like I’ve appreciated every moment up to now. I’m going to spend time with them doing fun things (like I always have). I’m being present and dating my wife, my best friend. I’m getting in touch with healthy hobbies I used to involve myself with. I’m getting over my fear of getting out of my comfort zone. I’m getting more involved with my kids activities. I’m connecting with friends and family. I started going to church again, a church I grew up with. I honestly don’t know how I became so complacent with the day to day. But I’m glad that I’m pushing myself through this. The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through in my life.
