Lost it again today
I’m finding that my anxiety is part of depression in men. So is anger, but I’m not feeling angry, maybe just at myself. My anxiety will latch on to something. Something close, deep and personal. It will keep me spinning all night, invade my dreams, confuse my heart. Feeling like I’m caught in a storm, just trying to survive, tossed around by the waves, just trying to make my way back to the safety of the boat that seems to be drifting further and further away. Not wanting to drown, I keep fighting against the waves, fighting to keep my head above water. Fighting to protect myself futilely against the maelstrom that grows and grows.
“What stands in the way becomes the way.” - Marcus Aurelius. The maelstrom is the way. To surrender to it. To have faith through it. To believe that it is the path and by traveling it there will be a glimpse of what lies on the other side.
It is like a bitter fight with myself to finally surrender. To accept the uncertainty of life. It’s so hard to let go. So hard to surrender. Like a part of myself is needing to protect me from that uncertainty and it won’t just fucking let go. It does inevitably happen though, and the anxiety fades into a deep sadness where I cry. Like a hard cry with guttural noises and snot and everything. Of course, I relegate myself to the car to fully let go here. As watching a grown man completely lose his shit is probably an unnerving sight in our society. And once that keg of tears is tapped, I’m letting loose. Today I actually planned this, it didn’t catch me by surprise. Over these last few months, I’ve realized that I need to force myself to cry and allow myself to just sit in it. I don’t need to stop it. I don’t need to control it. I can surrender to it. I’ve realized that it is healing to cry. I never really thought that and acknowledged it. Crying was always something that I wanted to try to end. But afterward I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! Like normal even. Even keeled. Anchor / Rock territory.
I was looking into crying and healing and I found a really cool article from Harvard Health on the topic. You all may find it interesting. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-crying-good-for-you-2021030122020
