I’m just Ken

Not knowing where to begin, I’ll begin here. “I’m just Ken”. I’m #Kenough. I’m enough. I’m Charlie… And this is entirely cathartic.

I feel like I need to be perfect at everything. Being the best that I can be. Father, Husband, Friend, Professional. And I feel like I’m not enough. It’s a feeling that’s inside me. On the surface, I know that I check all of the boxes, but if that’s the case, why don’t I FEEL it more deeply within? Why do I want to be more, or be more in each of those really important pillars? How do I allow myself to feel that I’m enough? I certainly hear it from others that are very close to me and whom I love and respect, but why don’t I FEEL it? And why do I need that external validation anyway? I’ve met several salty characters over the years that clearly don’t give a care as to what others think, don’t need any validation, and walk their own path with zero vulnerability. Or maybe that’s how they seem on the surface. I don’t know. We’re all just bears in a forest, right? Who’s going to let down their guard first to show that vulnerable little boy inside? Not I! Right?

“Vulnerability is weakness.” That’s mostly what I think. I mean, sure, people tell me that no, vulnerability is human. So maybe I think that it’s OK to be vulnerable. It’s OK to cry. It’s OK to feel needy. It’s OK to not want to be alone. It’s OK to seek reassurance... (etc ad nauseum, lol). Or is it? I’m conflicted. When I think of each of those important pillars. Being a Father, being a Husband, being a Friend, being a Professional, it seems to me that each of those require a strong, confident MAN in control at the helm. Steering the ship of their destiny through the stormy seas of life’s catastrophe (ala Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn a book that’s helped me immensely). Two internal forces, the Sun and the Moon are vying for dominance. The emotional, vulnerable little boy needing vs. the strong, confident bear ready for battle.

Which one will win out today? Who knows and hopefully the contest doesn’t yo-yo me too much. :-)